When you've officially cracked
by Raenef the 6th
Summary: This shows proof or symptoms that you have played too much Tales of Symphonia and have officially lost your mind. Of course, that's my point of view.
1. When you've cracked

Hello, and welcome to Raenef's first fanfic, _you know you've played too much Tales of Symphonia when…_. This is merely an attempt at humor, not to be taken seriously. **For the love of god, do not take it seriously!** Cough cough, Anyway, I don't own Tales of Symphonia, but I own my own jokes!

**You know you've played too much Tales of Symphonia when…**

You think Benedict the XVI secretly hates half-elves (no offense to Catholics).

You start to make the same hand motions as Genis when you talk.

You think of Yggdrasill when you see Spandex Pajamas.

You like to wear capes like Yuan's because you think it makes you look cool and hot.

You think your dog is an arshis.

Your dog **is** an arshis (somehow).

You try to build your own model EC.

You succeed and receive a Nobel Prize.

A water fountain spray's you and you curse Undine.

You think Groundhog's day is a secret celebration for Gnome.

You go crazy when you see old relics or a museum.

You hope there's a quick jump option in every building.

You randomly hit someone with a paddleball and cry "Lightning!"

You always wonder who or _what_ took away Raine's pure Maiden status.

You try to hurt people with index cards that have scribbles on them, screaming "Pyre Seal!"

You look in Power plants for a giant gamecube.

You find a giant gamecube, steal it, and figure out how to make it work.

You wonder why Anna married Kratos instead of someone else.

You have developed a strange fear of Tomato related products.

You try to find the seed of the Giant Tree in a flower shop.

You dye you're hair blond in hopes it will make you look innocent.

You think every pink-wearing redhead is perverted in some way.

You believe slapping on the head is the Ultimate way to hurt someone.

You try to find the Full grown Giant Tree in you're city's nearby forest.

Raenef:

If somehow you matched any of these jokes, consider yourself a true fan, or just crazy. Also, I wish to send an apology to all Kranna fans, I meant no insult; I was just trying to make a joke is all. Please don't send your wrath at me, rather, you can send it to the Kruan fans instead.

All the Kruan fans: Hey, no fair! What about treating us equally?

Raenef: I don't feel like it this late today, sorry. **NOW GET OUT OF MY FANFIC! ROOOAR!**

Kruan fans: (all whimpering in a corner)

Raenef: Much better! Special thanks to Music in the Dark for…uh… whatever the heck he did. (I think).

MITD: What!

Raenef: Remember to read and review! Bye!


	2. What Not to Do

If one should be found inside the world of ToS, please review the following notes to protect yourself from harm. (Or you could do these just for a good laugh if you wanted to.)

* * *

1. Don't take Kratos' cape unless you don't value your life. If you do take it, just try to blame it on Lloyd and observe the following chaos.

2. Do not try to use or practice using a kendama around anyone, especially Raine and Zelos. Then again, it's okay around Zelos if you're mad at him.

3. Do not cause damage to any possible historic references lest you seek the wrath of Archaeological Mania Raine.

4. Suggest to Regal to take off his handcuffs.

5. Succeed in getting them off, destroy them, and then get him arrested just so you can say that now he has a fresh pair.

6. Say that Sheena is merely mimicking other summoners with her style of fighting. (In reference to games like Final Fantasy X or any others.)

7. Screw over Genis' every attempt to get Presea to like him.

8. For Presea…uh…on second thought, I don't think you can tick her off.

9. On Halloween, "decorate" Anna's grave with spray-paint and say it needed a new style of color.

10. Sneak into Yuan's hidden dressing room and steal all his capes and any blue hair gel if there's any.

11. Say to Botta that he's a girly-man for wearing a dress-robe all the time.

12. Don't apologize when he runs off crying and screaming, ignoring everyone's expressions of anger at you or pity towards Botta about it being true.

13. Put a sign on Yggdrasill's back that says "I'm gay, now shut up" and watch everyone including Kratos avoid him.

14. I would say something to tick Colette off, but I'm steering clear of religion, fake or not.

15. Remove all of Lloyd's buttons from his clothes and replace them with buttons that leak glue off them so it get's stuck on him.

16. Pretend to cry and bawl dramatically every time Kratos actually acts like a father towards Lloyd.

* * *

Author's notes: Haha, I've done it again! Let's see what you think of it. Read and Review! 


	3. How to screw up a plot

The next segment consists of ideas of how to screw up the plot of ToS in a hilarious way. Of course, a few characters might get angry or hurt, but it's for the sake of humor people. Let's see, what to begin with…

* * *

1. When you arrive at the Temple of Martel in Iselia, if you really dislike a character, then just trip them and push them down the steps and laugh.

2. When you get inside the Renegade base in Triet, disguise yourself as a Desian, and then tell Yuan that you had captured the chosen and that she was in the jail.

3. When he gets to the jail, push him in and seal him behind a steel gate so he can't get out or shock you. Then watch as Lloyd and the group escape while Botta gets chewed out about having a traitorous work force.

4. When you arrive at the Fire Seal entrance, blow it up with a rocket launcher and proceed inside, saying we have more important things to do.

5. Then again, you might want to run after doing number 4, since you might need to run away from Raine and her slap of Doom.

6. After Sheena falls into the trapdoor, rush to the entrance and reinforce it so she can't get out. Then, while she's pounding on the wall, open a hidden door and say "Peek-A-Boo!" then shut it in her face, knocking her out.

7. After receiving the letter from Lyla, tear it to shreds, saying you are doing Max a favor. Then, mysteriously, you become Max's best friend.

8. When you run into the fake chosen group in Palmacosta, just beat them all up and take back the book that was Door's for yourself.

9. When you first meet Magnius, take Kratos' blade and cut off the hair that's tied back, saying he needed a different hairstyle

10. You know what; just kill the old geezer at Hakonesia Peak. Nobody likes him anyway.

11. When you arrive at Asgard, say you've stopped the bomb, but instead adjust the timer for later.

12. Then, when Raine's dancing on the platform and the monster appears, throw the bomb at it and watch the fireworks.

13. When you first see Kvar, you cry out "Spock, it's you!" and proceed to do that fancy hand sign that I can't do…shut up!

14. When you fight the guardian monster at the 4th seal, simply pull out a rifle and say you're going bird-hunting.

15. When you have to fight Kratos, if you beat him, just kick him in the nuts for good measure.

* * *

Author's notes: If you wish for me to continue this type of list, then let's hear it! Read and Review! 


	4. How to screw up a plot, part 2

And now, time for part two! What chaos could I possibly create now? Just as much as I want to, that's how much! On with the show!

* * *

1. When Yuan falls down after getting kicked by Lloyd, run up and knock him over.

2. When you get on the Rheiards, knock Genis off, saying he took your favorite color.

3. When Sheena gives you the letter to give to the king, switch the letter out for a letter bomb.

4. When you first meet Zelos, convince Colette to go on a killing spree of Zelos' hunnies after they insult her.

5. When you meet the pope, slap pointy ears on him and say "He's a half-elf!"

6. When you get to the Tethealla Bridge, go halfway, then say you forgot something, head back, then say you've actually had it.

7. Repeat number 6 three times in a row.

8. When you get to Sybak, steal Kate's glasses from her, so she can't do that ridiculous posture.

9. When Kratos protects Yuan on top of the Fooji Mountains from Lloyd, just push Kratos off the cliff.

10. When in the sewer, push Zelos into the water if he tries to hug you.

11. When you reach Mizuho, pretend to act like someone from Naruto when you talk to someone.

12. When Altessa says he won't help presea, punt him across the room until he gives in and helps.

13. When you get the inhibitor ore, "accidentally" break it.

14. When Rodyle appears, knock him off his dragon and have him get eaten by it.

15. When you go to Flanoir to get the doctor, pretend to act all nice and friendly to your special friend, and then throw a snowball in their face.

16. When you reach the room where Colette's being held captive in the Tower of Salvation, just go ahead and blow up the machine. Don't worry about the Great Seed or Colette, they'll be fine.

17. When you reach the final fight with Mithos, don't get into a big fight; just shoot him while he's ranting about his decisions.

18. When you reunite the worlds and you get to see the Great Kharlan Tree seedling, smoke a cigarette dramatically, then throw it at the plant and catch it on fire.

* * *

Author's notes: So many ways to mess up a world, so little time. Stay tuned for the next chapter everyone! And if you would like more comic relief, then I suggest looking at Music in the Dark's list of insaneness…or something like that. Read and review! 


	5. What Not to Do Remix!

Now to resume my educational lessons of what not to do when in ToS. Again, please take these seriously, as they may help you live or keep your sanity. Whichever is more important to you. And away we go!

* * *

1. Do not, under any circumstances, get Colette sugar-high. You will die from either insanity or overwhelming amounts of cheerfulness if this occurs.

2. Do not try to help Genis with his homework. One, you'll be confused. Two, he'll be doing your homework anyway, so of course you'll be confused.

3. Do not suggest to Sheena to get a job at Altamira. You will be hurt, severely. (If you want to see what happens, read Music in the Dark's Donuts or no Donuts.)

4. Do not ask for a history lesson from Kratos. Being 4000 years old, he has seen too much of it for it to be a history lesson.

5. Do not slap Genis in front of Raine. It might cause a chain reaction of a slapping frenzy.

6. Do not raid Regal's room looking for hair gel. It wouldn't be there, he's cleverer than that.

7. Zelos…don't take him to Playboy Mansion… 'Nuff said.

8. Presea…dammit…

9. Do not drink water around Yuan. You very well could be shocked if he get's too close.

10. Do not ask help from Lloyd on homework. You will not only fail the class, you will become stupider.

11. Do not try to take Forcystus' cannon arm away. Not only will you have a difficult time, you will probably be shot and launched over a cliff.

12. Do not convince Lloyd to use the Eternal Sword to try to learn everything he can. His brain will explode and the world will probably be screwed over.

13. Do not try to help Genis get Presea to like him. This can go wrong in many, _many_ ways, all of which would probably end up with a depressed/pissed off Genis, and a barrage of spells that will incinerate you.

14. Do not try to hook Kratos up with another girl. You will fail, no if's or but's about it. Hopefully, it will be mercy if it is indeed a girl.

15. Do not Throw Raine into, well, the rain. (dun-dun, tsss) She'll probably panic and destroy half the village.

16. Do not get Regal mad at you. He'll sue you for a lot of money. He is rich after all.

17. Do not grant Zelos immortality. It will be the end of all respectable or decent actions from him as we know it.

18. Eureka! I've finally figured out Presea's! Do not try to make her act normal. You will fail miserably after having to explain why she needs to flirt with Genis.

* * *

Author's notes: Haha! This is too good! What could I possibly…do…next…( slowly turns around in chair to see all the characters ready to kill him.)

Me: What the Friggidy Fuck are you doing here?!

Lloyd: We're tired of being made fun of. Stop now and we'll spare you. (All of them pull out weapons)

Me: Didn't you guys know, you're being paid for this! You should like being made fun of.

Lloyd: Oh, well, okay then. (Everyone walks off)

Me: Thank God that worked. Good thing too, I'm flat broke…

Lloyd: WHAAAT! GET HIM!

Me: AHHH! Read and Reviewwww! (Runs away)


	6. ToS: Alternate Roles

I have finally returned! Oh, geez, it's been awhile. I've been busy with my other fics to focus on this one, so sorry. But I've got a new list, so all is well. This time, we're going to look at the past and future roles of the characters. Let's see, who will be my first victim…

* * *

1.Kratos as one of the actually good Bond substitutes.

2. Lloyd as every other dumb idiotic main character who becomes slightly more intelligent and really strong.

3. Regal as one of those fitness instructors that tease you about having fat legs and thighs.

4. Raine as the Librarian who always tells you to either shut up or leave so you can stop touching her precious books.

5. Zelos as every other perverted side character who tries to get the good-looking girl to be his girlfriend, but just gets beat up.

6. Colette as that one girl who seems to be cute at first, but is actually a… super secret agent man! Emphasis on the man! (Lloyd: WHAAAT!)

7. Presea as the composer who made the Lumberjack theme song by Monty Python.

8. Genis as a stunt double for Wee-man from JackAss.

9. Kratos as Gendo Ikari from Neon Genesis Evangelion.

10. Yuan as James Bond's partner who always gets killed.

11. Raine as M, James' boss.

12. Genis as Q, who gives James, or maybe Kratos, his technical equipment. (Lots of bond ideas, aren't there?)

13. Magnius as a substitute for Jaws, that giant guy from the Bond movies.

14. Sheena as the sexy person who tries to seduce and kill James Bond. (Sheena: HEY! SLAP! Me: oww…)

15. Lloyd as Edward Elric and Genis as Alphonse Elric in Fullmetal Alchemist. This would actually be an improvement for Genis and a downgrade for Lloyd.

16. Martel as one of those hippies who are all for plant rights.

* * *

Author's notes: (Hiding in a random bar from murderous characters) All right, I got away with another one. That was almost too easy.

Random guy: Hey, aren't you that one author who-

(Author breaks beer glass, stabs guy through the heart. Guy falls dead.)

Anyone else want to talk to me about my career? No? Good. Read and Review!


	7. Secrets of the Symphonia cast

Author's notes: I have finally returned! I was busy with Tales of Symphonia: Second Chance, but I'm taking a break to give you more humor! That and I want to work on these more and get more reviews. (HINT, HINT)

And now, disclaimer! However, due to financial difficulties, and to avoid possible lawsuits, my muse will be the long dead author, Music in the Dark! He also is my beta reader, for some strange reason…

MitD: Raenef the 6th owns nothing, hahahahahahahar! (spazzes on the ground, lying in a body cast. Don't ask.)

Me: Um, right. Let's just get on with it already…

* * *

Skit number one: Colette's actual taste in music

Lloyd, Genis and the rest of the gang were just sitting in Colette's house, doing nothing and were frankly, quite bored. Once you fixed the two worlds, life really lost interest. Suddenly, Lloyd's nerve cells in his brain were randomly revived, and he actually had a good idea!

"I know. Let's turn on some music; it'll help us think of something to do." He said, thinking that Colette listened to some pretty regular music. What they didn't know is that Colette wasn't as innocent as she seemed.

Lloyd walked over to her stereo system and turned it on. (I'm making them have technology like ours, so it makes sense.) He listened carefully for words, and he finally heard some, but what he heard was a quiet whisper:

_Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor; let the bodies hit the floor…_

Lloyd and the others were confused by the music and cranked it up louder for them to hear. If only they knew what was coming…

_Let the bodies hit the… (tiss, tiss) **FLOOOOOR! **(Rock guitar plays)_

At this, Lloyd and the others leapt back with fright as the music pounded onward. "SOMEBODY TURN IT OFF!" Lloyd shouted, and was about to use his swords to break it when a hand reached out and turned it off.

Everyone looked up to see Colette standing there, looking happy and ditzy as she always was. "Hi, guys! Do you like my music?" She asked, ignoring everyone's stares and mutterings of "Psycho…"

Lloyd stepped forward and said "Colette, I didn't know you listened to music like that."

Colette merely smiled and said "Lloyd, you silly person. What, did you actually think I was so innocent?"

Oh, if only they knew…if only they knew that Drowning Pool wasn't the only band on that C.D…

* * *

Skit number two: Yggdrasill's true feelings

Yggdrasill was sitting in his sleeping quarters in Derris-Kharlan where he had called a meeting with his fellow subordinates. Of course, he hardly ever slept, but he saw how people were affected when they slept, how they would wake up and be refreshed, so he decided to try it himself once in awhile.

Kratos and Yuan were there, but Pronyma was absent, due to what she said was her Grand Cardinal duties, even though she doesn't have a ranch.

"Alright, Yggdrasill, what's this about?" Yuan asked, wishing to leave quickly to work on his secret Renegade duties, which actually only consisted of pacing in his room and shouting at random people and Botta.

"I've called a meeting to discuss something with you two. There are rumors going around that say I'm gay, and I want to squash them here and now. I am most certainly not gay!" He said, subconsciously squeezing his hands into fists as if to squish the throats of those who spoke badly of him.

Kratos and Yuan exchanged glances a moment before Kratos stepped for ward and said to his former apprentice "Lord Yggdrasill, I'm sorry to break it to you, but you really are gay. You wear those ridiculous clothes and you have rainbow-colored wings. You can't really get gayer than that."

Yggdrasill stood up angrily and yelled "I'm not gay! I am homosexual, dammit!"

Kratos blinked and said "Sir, that's the same thing."

Yggdrasill shook his head and said "No it's not. Do I look happy to you?"

At this, both Yuan and Kratos smacked themselves on the forehead, wondering how the hell this guy got to be where he was today with that kind of thinking.

* * *

Skit number three: Genis is a pyromaniac

Genis and the group were fighting monsters, and had just finished the fight. Well, almost. Genis was having a little trouble.

"Fireball! Fireball! Why won't you die?" Genis shouted, launching countless fireballs at his foe.

Lloyd and the others watched on with meager interest as Genis continued his onslaught of fire when Lloyd decided to take notice of something. "Hey, is it just me, or does Genis use fire an awful lot more than his other magic spells?" He asked out loud to everyone.

Colette sat there a moment and replied "You know, I think Lloyd's right. Genis does use fire a lot. Maybe it's his favorite element?"

Lloyd thought about it a moment and shook his head. "No, that's too obvious. Wasn't there a word for this sort of thing?" He looked to Professor Raine. "Well, Professor?"

Raine considered it before replying "Yes, there is. It's called pyromaniac. It means the person likes to use fire or be around fire to an almost ridiculous standard." Looking out at Genis, she observed him continuously trying to roast his opponent. "Genis does use fireball a lot. In fact, it's the spell I see him practice the most. He uses it to make a campfire, to cook, to fight…" she faded off.

Maybe Genis is a pyromaniac?

* * *

(Dear god and all Kratos fans, forgive me. I was sitting on my computer when I came up with this one, and my music track was interrupted and froze on the sound IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! True story, I swear.)

Skit number four: Kratos' error

Kratos was hard at work on the supercomputer of Derris-Kharlan. It had crashed three times on them, and no one was motivated enough to do anything about it, leaving Kratos to be forced to fix it.

He was working on one of the panels that handled the computer's memory, when Yuan walked in to check on him. "Kratos, are you still at work on the supercomputer?" He asked, concerned that the computer was actually in bad enough shape for him to work on it for 3 hours!

Kratos stopped his work for a moment before yelling to Yuan, "Well, if no one else is going to fix this, I believe that means it's going to take some time to correct it." He then unfortunately dropped his wrench to the ground and cursed under his breath as he retrieved it.

Yuan tried to discern what Kratos had said, but it only sounded to him like a bunch of mumbling. "What did you say?" he yelled.

Kratos grabbed the wrench and quickly brought his head up in frustration. "I said, if no one's going to fix this, then I belie-" CLANG! Kratos had been interrupted by his own mistake of rushing, which unfortunately led to him dropping his wrench hitting his foot. Jumping from the sudden pain in his foot, he rammed his head into the panel he was working on, unfortunately connecting two wires filled with electricity. (Ooh, that's gotta sting!) He then lost control of his body and was caught on his final sound "IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" (It's pronounced EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, but I wanted to make it funny. SO LAUGH ALREADY!)

Yuan listened to this new noise, and quickly investigated. Upon seeing him in his…frozen…state, he laughed his ass off and when he finally calmed down; he wiped the tears from his eyes and sent for one of his subordinates.

"Quickly, get me a camera and a tricycle. Now!" He demanded.

The servant stuttered in response "B- but sir, shouldn't we be trying to help him instead of filming it-eep!" he was stopped when Yuan grabbed his shoulders and shook him violently.

"Do you realize the blackmail opportunities I can get from this? I would finally have something to embarrass him after all these years! Now go do it!" Yuan yelled, and then shoved him outside.

That day would later be known as the Day of Revenge, which was signified by the mass destruction and murder caused by Kratos' wrath when he found copies of the video, showing him riding a tricycle and screaming "IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

* * *

Skit number five: The Sages are all Pyromaniacs!

Lloyd and co. were currently on a trip to visit Asgard at Raine's insistence to visit. They were up at the main attraction, the ruins where the ceremony for the summon spirit of wind was held. Raine herself was currently studying the ruin, when her "Ruin-senses" tingled. Yes, you read right, her "Ruin-senses" tingled.

Now, Raine hadn't told anyone about her "Ruin-senses" seeing as how they seemed to just be a crazy idea. But she was starting to see it was more than that. On more than one occasion, she had had these feelings, and it was soon followed after by someone destroying a valuable piece of history.

On this occasion, she quickly searched around to see someone skulking over to one side of the ruin. She watched as he stared at the ruin, and then proceeded to walk up to it and just simply kick it. This kick was enough to get Raine to twitch, but she merely discarded it and turned back to her observations.

But she was not to have peace today. No sir, not Raine. The skulking man decided that the first kick wasn't enough, so he proceeded to start repeatedly kicking the ruin, which caused it to start to crack due to the continuous force. Raine heard this and turned back again to see him kick the ruin and cause a small chunk to fall off. This was to be this man's end, dooming himself to a painful punishment by Raine.

Lloyd and co. aren't sure of how it happened, but the next thing they knew, they saw the Professor chasing the man with a flamethrower around the ruin, using the flamethrower to char the man as they raced around.

"Don't feel like touching the ruin now, do you? Huh? HUH!?" Raine yelled as she chased him.

Lloyd watched and observed as Genis followed Raine as she ran, or to be more precise, he stared at the flamethrower. "Hang on, I thought Genis was the pyromaniac?" he thought out loud.

Kratos walked up and replied "Who do you think he got it from, you?"

Lloyd took this into thought and decided it was true. 'Yep, this definitely proves it,' he thought as he watched Genis join the fray, now chasing after Raine's newly acquired flamethrower. 'The Sages are all Pyromaniacs.'

* * *

Author's notes: Haha, that was good. I haven't laughed like that in ages. It feels refreshing.

MitD: Hey, wait a minute. You didn't get that Kratos idea from listening to music. You got it from me, when I was at a ball game and I was high on Diet Dr. Pepper.

Me: …Shut up. WHO'S THE AUTHOR HERE? (Slams MitD into solitary confinement) Now then, (smiles as if nothing happened), Read and Review!


	8. Secrets of the Symphonia cast 2

Author's notes: It's time to renew the list again. After many long months of deliberation, I have decided to finally get off my lazy ass and come up with some funny stuff. This was partially inspired by my friend Music in the Dark, who helped establish this.

And now, disclaimer!

MitD: Raenef the 6th owns nothing except his own comedic genius…why am I reading this again?

Me: Because I said I would give you a cookie for doing it.

MitD: Oh, yeah.

Me: On with the show!

MitD: But…cookie…

Me: Shut up.

* * *

**Genis' math problem** (Inspired by the game at the Palmacosta test.) 

The group was getting ready to take the Palmacosta test that Genis had been dared to take by the super-nerd Mighty Washington… (What kind of name is that?) Lloyd and the others were reviewing their material needed for the exam. Lloyd, of course, wasn't really studying at all, just merely sitting there and making it look like he's studying.

Colette was studying, but was distracted by two things: Lloyd's presence right next to her, and the butterfly fluttering by the window. (We then see an image of a chibi-Colette chasing a butterfly.)

Kratos was…being Kratos and just sat there in all his bad-ass glory.

It was peaceful in the classroom, until Genis suddenly shouted "It's impossible!" He suddenly stood up and threw his pencil aside in aggravation.

"What's wrong Genis?" Lloyd asked, concerned for his friend.

"I can never get imaginary numbers! No matter how many times I try to get it, I just can't figure it out!" Genis replied, banging his head on the desk as he spoke.

Lloyd put on a thoughtful expression and asked "What are you trying to do?"

Genis looked at Lloyd and said "I'm trying to figure out pi!"

Lloyd was silent for a moment, and then said "Isn't that a never-ending number whose process is affected by the fact that's its numbers can never repeat, thus making it impossibly long and literally impossible to figure out at its fullest extent, as it never ends?"

The whole universe suddenly stopped. Everyone and everything outside the room froze in time. The snow stopped snowing in Flanoir. Yggdrasill dropped the crystal holding his sister's soul, which shattered upon contact with the floor. It was so shocking; Anna was revived, and then died of shock.

Kratos observed this whole scene and simply said "How the hell did you know that?"

Lloyd shrugged his shoulders and replied "Well, I like normal pie, so I decided to learn about the normal, mathematic pie. Why?"

Everyone sat in silence for a moment, and then…Raine's head exploded. And thus, the game of Tales of Symphonia died a horrible death.

* * *

**Pyromania's return**

The group was traveling within the Fire temple in the region of Triet. They were attempting to gain the power of Efreet by making a pact with him through Sheena. The group was relatively okay, aside from being a little hot. Though they couldn't help but notice the eagerness in both Raine and Genis' faces. Not certain as to why, they proceeded on to the chamber where Efreet resided.

Sheena stopped before going up to the Shrine and turned to the group. "Is everyone ready?" She asked. Receiving nods from everyone and especially from Raine and Genis, she called out Efreet who appeared before them.

"**OH MY GODDESS!"** Both Raine and Genis exclaimed. They immediately rushed forward, running over Sheena, and bowed down in front of Efreet.

"And who are you?" Efreet asked in his oh-so-mighty voice.

"We are the Sages, oh mighty Efreet. I am Raine and this Genis. We worship you!" Raine exclaimed from her bowing position in front of Efreet.

Lloyd simply shook his head and muttered "Freaking pyro's always screwing things up." Everyone else nodded their heads in silence.

* * *

**Lloyd's curiosity**

The group had just left Lake Umacy, where they had obtained the Unicorn Horn from the Unicorn that resided there. They were now on their way to the Tower of Mana.

As they walked, one could observe that Lloyd appeared in deep thought. He was curious as to something Raine said at the lake. She said something about being an adult. 'What does that mean? I know that she is an adult age-wise, but how does that make her not a maiden?'

Lloyd looked around at the group, thinking of who to ask. He first chose Sheena.

"Hey Sheena. What did the professor mean by that she was an adult back at the lake earlier?" Lloyd asked. Sheena suddenly froze up and didn't turn around. "Uh…it means…"

"Sheena?" Lloyd asked, and reached out and poked her shoulder. She suddenly jumped and ran ahead a few feet before turning around and showing she was blushing heavily. "Uhh…I don't know! Ask the Professor!" She then turned around and ran off.

Lloyd stared for a moment before shrugging his shoulders and moving over to the professor. "Hey professor, what did you mean at the lake when you said you were an adult?" He asked, and was surprised to see Raine do the exact same thing as Sheena. She froze up and didn't turn around. Lloyd decided to sit there this time and waited.

The professor finally unfroze and said "It, means…uh…that I…well…"

Lloyd then said "Does that mean you…"

Raine suddenly shouted "YES! I MEAN NO! I MEAN…AARRGGHH!"

Lloyd then said "So you're not 18?"

Raine, after processing what he said, fell anime style to the ground and groaned. "Never mind. Just don't ask about it."

And thus, Lloyd forgot, until one day after meeting Zelos, he remembered that question. After asking that to Zelos, Zelos completely

Explained everything, leaving Lloyd to say this only this:

"What? That's it? Me and Colette do that all the t-" Lloyd stopped, and thinking quickly, knocked Zelos out before he could react. "That was a close one." Lloyd said, and then walked off.

* * *

**The Great Mystery of Lloyd's insanity**

(We see Kratos walk up to a microphone in a dark room, and begin talking in the voice he had in the beginning of the game.)

_Once upon a time, there were features known as "Quick-jumps" that were the source of all plot holes. No normal person, nor a seraph, could see these plot-holes, due to being distracted by their main goals. A dumbass however, could see them, and knew they existed, thus driving him insane. Grieving over the loss of his sanity, he tried to tell everyone about them. But before he left on his quest, he left this edict:_

_"You must gain back my sanity. For if I'm found in a straightjacket and inside a cushiony white room, I will kick all your asses over and over and over. Even Kratos._

Kratos reread the line twice and said "What the hell?" He then continued.

_And thus, the friends of the dumbass bore the Chosen One, who would go around the world, picking up the pieces of his sanity, and not actually saving the world, but becoming a vessel for his sanity that a crazy gay madman could use to revive his sister._

_And thus began the regeneration of Lloyd's sanity._

Kratos stepped away from the microphone very slowly, realizing he even sounded like a dumbass for reading it. He has got to quit losing those bets with Yuan.

* * *

Author's notes: Well, that's done, and not a bad job if I say so myself. 

MitD: Arrogant bastard.

Me: This arrogant bastard has more reviews in just one story than you have in all three of yours. Oh, and no cookie for you!

MitD: NOOOOOOOOOO! (Runs off sobbing, trips, gets back up, and runs out of the studio.)

Me: Softie. Read and review!


	9. Secrets of the symphonia cast 3

It's been a long time since you guys have read this one, hasn't it? Yeah, I finally decided to update my list again. Yes, it's been forever, and yes, I need to work on my other fics as well, so don't berate me about them. I've been slapped in the face with two major school English projects, and I'm trying to work on them as well as these. So please, for the sake of good writing, be patient.

Now then, along with a few successful sequels to the skits from last chapter, as well as a few new ones I came up with in my spare time, I present the 9th chapter of When You've Officially Cracked! So sit back, relax, and make sure you have a warranty on your chair in case you break it laughing.

* * *

**Skit number 1: Crossover confusion! ****(This is my equivalent of an apology to Freaky for Kratos' last role in my previous chapter.)**

(Opens with scene from Advent Children. Cloud is fighting main bad guy, Kadaj, before he becomes Sephiroth. Use whatever moment you wish if you've seen the movie.)

Cloud was confident in his abilities as a warrior. He had triumphed over countless villains before, even defeating Sephiroth. He was now fighting Kadaj, so as to prevent Sephiroth's resurrection. However, there is one enemy that Cloud fears, the enemy that controls his paycheck. I'm talking, of course, about the directors.

"What do you mean, I'm being replaced?! You can't replace me! How will you have a storyline?!" Cloud yelled, frustrated at the director he was speaking too. They had gone on break and he had just been told that his character was being replaced, something about cost efficiency and some other bullcrap.

"Yeah, yeah, shove it out your blowhole. I've heard it all before kid. Besides, we got a true professional to replace you, and the guys in script writing have already smoothed it over. Now, get off my set!" he yelled at Cloud, who slumped away at the loss of his job.

"Alright people, let's take it form the top. Where's the new guy at?" The director yelled. He felt a tap on his shoulder, and turned to see the new actor. "Alright pal, here's your shot. Get in place!"

(Now go to the scene where Cloud jumps to the ground during the fight, smirking. You know which one I'm talking about, the one with the ship in the background.)

"I won't go easy on you!" The new figure yelled, who revealed himself to be…Kratos! Wearing his Judgment suit! He drew his sword and shield and charged Kadaj, who blocked.

Meanwhile aboard the ship, the guys were merely staring and in a few cases twitching, as they watched all the female characters almost eye-rape Kratos.

**Skit number 2: Pyro meets his match!**

The gang had just made it to Celsius' temple, and had proceeded to cross the frozen lake. As they walked, no one noticed that Genis was twitching occasionally, and the twitching seemed to increase as they got closer to Celsius. Finally, they entered the seal room.

Celsius appeared and began to speak, when she was rudely interrupted. "I am Celsius, the Summon Spirit of Ice! Who are you to enter my-"

"EXPLOSION!" Celsius quickly dodged out of the way of the massive fire assault. She looked back at the group. "Alright, which one of you little idiots interrupted my monologue?" Everyone quickly looked at Genis, who simply glared at Celsius.

"You are the polar opposite of my master, Efreet! I will defeat you in his name! FLAME LANCE!" He shouted, casting another spell. Celsius countered with her own spell.

"ABSOLUTE!" she yelled, freezing the attack before it could even come close. Genis snorted. "You truly are a worthy rival of the flames! Let's see what you've got!" He leapt forward to charge, while everyone else just sweat dropped heavily at his actions.

"This is getting ridiculous!" Lloyd shouted in frustration. "Can't we make him quit?"

Raine shook her head. "I'm not going to be stupid enough to get in the way of a pyromaniac who can blow me up, would you?"

Lloyd straightened up in thought. "Point well taken."

**Skit number 3: Colette's secret fighting style!**

It was a nice calm day in Meltokio. Everyone was happy, the birds were singing, there were bodies flying in the air, merchants were selling wares…

Wait, back up a minute. 'Bodies flying through the air?!'

It was the coliseum that turned out to be the source of this strange phenomenon. Every few seconds or so, a random bandit or creature would be launched out of the stadium, landing roughly to the ground and splattering everywhere, at the speed of mach 2. Shall we move in for a closer look?

"WHOO-HOO!" Colette exclaimed, as she watched another one go flying. "That was my best one yet! What do you think guys?" She turned around looking for her fellow partners, Lloyd and Genis. "Guys? Where'd you go?" She heard a whimper behind her, and turned to see Lloyd and Genis, both in the fetal position, sucking their thumbs.

"I'm a good person, I'm a person, I'm a good person!" Genis kept chanting to himself.

"Why did I give Colette the Extreme Symbol?! Why?!" Lloyd yelled at himself. What Lloyd hadn't realized was that along with the extra strength of the Extreme Symbol, one can gain a rather…energetic look on life. Or in Colette's case, an energetic throw. They had gone to the Coliseum to get some money by fighting, but when Colette saw Lloyd get harmed by a particularly nasty, and equally foolish, bandit, she simply lost her temper and threw him out of the stadium.

In the stands sat the rest of the group, laughing their asses off at the sight of Colette frightening Lloyd. Even Kratos laughed, though it was only a deep chuckle.

**Skit number 4: What Presea shouldn't have seen.**** (this one might be borderline T, so keep that in mind.)**

Presea Combatir was a simple enough girl to understand. She was twenty-eight, had the body of a twelve-year old, and the mind of a computer. Easy to get, right? However, there was one slight problem that no one knew about, until today.

When Presea had been forced to hold back her physical growth, this included her going into puberty. In fact, the day they applied the exsphere that would cause her to become seemingly robotic, was the same day that she would start puberty. And right on the dot when her hormones were supposed to start flowing too. Oddly convenient.

Then Presea went on the Journey with Lloyd and the rest and regained control of her body. However, her body was momentarily, "paused", shall we say, still, in the physical sense. However, that all came crumbling down when they went to the Hot Springs.

As they walked by them, guided by the owner of the springs to the house where they could change, Presea went through one of the random times of her life to look around. And what she would see would affect her for the rest of her life, for she accidentally saw a man…without pants on.

Upon seeing this, her hormones got an enormous jumpstart, 16 years worth coursing through her, and her gaze switched from the man to someone else, namely Genis.

Presea then connected a few things in that one glance. One, she realized that Genis was fitting of the term cute. Two, she realized that she had developed feelings for him as well. And three…she was curious to what lay beneath those shorts of his.

Upon splitting up inside the house, Raine found herself approached by Presea, and gave her her due attention. "Yes?"

"Where is Genis?" Presea asked simply, her intentions clear in her own mind.

"He's in another room now, taking a nap, I think. Why?"

"I was just curious about what was under his shorts." She replied simply. She walked off while Raine walked to the Hot Springs, her mind not realizing, what she had just been told. She was relaxing when the conversation finally replayed.

"_I was just curious about what was under his shorts."_

She suddenly shot up, right when she heard a particularly exuberant shout from the house. "YES! OF COURSE I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT'S UNDER MY SHORTS!" And then she fainted.

**Skit number 5: The hidden badassness and the midget mage!**

The group was now heading towards the pedestal where the Eternal Sword lay, with the Ring of the Pact and Origin in tow. They were off to save Colette, who had been taken by Mithos to Derris-Kharlan. After making sure that all supplies were ready, Lloyd grabbed the Eternal Sword, and it transferred its powers to Lloyd's blades.

But before they could take off, the Sword shouted "WAIT!"

"What is it, Eternal Sword?" Lloyd asked. Some may find it strange for a boy to talk to a sword, but remember people, this is a magic sword we're dealing with, and so different rules apply.

"My power is needed elsewhere. There is another person here destined to wield my power." The sword replied. The two orbs of red and blue soared out of Lloyd's swords, and above the rest of the party.

"Who is it, Eternal Sword? Who else could wield you?" Lloyd asked, dumbfounded by this sight. He was also slightly disappointed, since he wanted to wield the shiny sword.

"It is the one you call…Genis Sage!" the Eternal Sword replied, and flew towards Genis. There was a collective gasp as the orbs flew into Genis, and his body glowed with a bright light. Once the light died down, and everyone could see again, they were quite shocked at what they saw. "Whoa…" Lloyd said.

Where Genis stood, now stood a figure quite taller. At about 5'10, with silver-white hair in a tight ponytail extending to his shoulders. His clothes had been replaced with Dark blue battle pants, with plenty of pockets for gels and the like. Black boots adorned his feet. His shirt was now tight on him, a light blue, reminiscent of his old one. It revealed a lithe body, his pecs and six-pack slightly outlined. Over it he wore a bright emerald green cape, drawn over his shoulders majestically and hiding his arms and legs.

His face was now more drawn out, no baby fat left at all. His eyes, when they opened, now revealed a brighter hue of blue, as if the ocean themselves. He stood there with the Eternal sword now strapped to his back, no doubt ready for him to use with his new body.

"Whoa…Genis…"Lloyd said in shock. 'How the hell did he become so…so…bad-ass?!' he thought sadly. 'I wanted to do that!'

"Genis, are you alright?" Raine asked, concerned for her brother.

"Yeah, Raine. Actually, I feel great, full of energy!" he said, his voice now deeper than before.

The moment of awe was quickly brought to a good conclusion, as Presea, overloaded by the handsome new appearance of Genis, promptly fainted, her face flushed red.

Kratos, who had chosen to come with them, smirked and said "Looks like we have another bad-ass on our team, not to mention another lady-killer. Not bad, Genis."

After that, Genis went on to defeat Mithos single handed, restore the world, as well as Presea's body, and lived happily ever after.

* * *

Wow, lot's of credit to Genis this chapter! What did you think, Genis?

Genis: (Back in his regular body) Man, I wished that had actually happened. Why does Lloyd get the bad-ass sword? He doesn't even now how to properly wield it!

Me: Who says you won't grow up to look like that?

Genis: Then there's still hope! (drools slightly at the thought of re-enacting Skit number 4.)

Me: That's the spirit. Now, remember to read and review, people. See ya!


End file.
